Week five of this blog! I'm excited for this one, because I have no idea what to write about. It's now 4:10pm on Sonday (shit) and I have to put something down though, so here we go.

Let's see: I recently finished my trip across Canada. Not a bad drive, to be honest. I anticipatd much worse. My assumption was by day #3 I'd be fully done with the whole experience and consider turning back. but that didn't happen. By day #3 (when I woke up in Thunder Bay) I was eager to get back in the car and get rolling. I even did a double-day's worth of driving to make it all the way to Winnipeg (not that long a drive, by the way).

I thought it was going to be hellish, but then all of a sudden I pulled into the mountains outside of Calgary, did a bit of hiking with Arche in Canmore and at Lake Loiuise, and then I was in Revelstoke and the drive was over.

Turned out I got a pretty good lesson of what happens when you just chip away at something. The drive seemed insurmountable—it was too big for me to wrap my head around—and then I made it in five days. Wait, no, six days. Six days of getting after it for seven or eight hours and I crossed the country. Not bad. Not painful at all, really. The idea of it—picturing the whoooole drive as one giant thing—was way more intimidating and unpleasant than the reality.

Metaphors for life in there.

Now I'm in paradise (of a sort—with mountains and snow and two dogs and a hot tub that isn't closed due to COVID) aaaand I need to get better at enjoying it. But that's hard to do when I've work to do.

Apparently I'm going to get two parts out of this blog after all. (I had no idea if I was going to get one part worth sharing...okay maybe I still didn't.)

I'm bad at taking time to enjoy things—because I have a constant feeling that I should be doing something.

But here's the thing: I really should be doing things. My list of to-do's has grown huge since I started planning and driving my way out West, and while it may be nearing Christmas—I do need to do those things.

So that's what I struggle with most days. It's not that I don't "deserve" a break. OK maybe it IS to some extent...especially when I haven't been able to make progress on all my projects.

No—I hate that phrasing..."Deserve." It's not about deserving anything. It's about having things to do and needing to do them.

This goes back to a post I made on Instagram a few weeks ago about what you "should" do. I feel as though I "shouldn't" take a day off to enjoy the 30cm of new snow—because I "should" do work instead.

Using those words and thinking along those lines makes things so vague—makes the guilt so insideous. What do I mean when I say, "I should do work?" I mean, there are things that I have to do eventually, and I "should" do them now.

Why "should" I do them now? Why "shouldn't" I take the day to enjoy the hell out of the mountain I drove cross-country to get to? Because clients rely on me to move projects along. Because I have groundwork to lay in order to close more sales in January. Because I have characters whose stories need to be finished. Because I have shit I need to get off my chest. That's not vague. Now that it's not vague, I have more clarity on what I need to do.

So can I take a break now? No. It's that simple. This isn't about me not being able to take a break—I simply have work to do and some of the deadlines I face can't be pushed back indefinitely.

Can I take a day off on Christmas? Absolutely. Will I? Probably not. though I will do my best to keep an attitude of, "this is bonus work" while I do. And I'll try to focus on things I find joy in—writing, mostly.

Kinda ran in circles fo a bit there. Here's my constant struggle: I overcomplicate work and productivity. Sometimes it's simple: I have things I must do; I have things I want to do; I have to choose which to embrace. That is made far simpler when I get clear on the work I must do, why I must do it, and why I must do it now.

Sometimes fear and perfectionism and all sorts of resistence play a role. OK, they always play a role. But sometimes it also just comes down to what I want vs. what I need. And by that, I mean: what I want in the form of short-term pleasure, and what I deeply want in terms of achieving bigger goals. Sure, there's a pull towards indulgence. Sure, there's resistence to the bigger things. Yes, part of my work involves reducing how hard it is to fight that resistence.

But today, it's mostly about sitting down and doing the work.

Or...tomorrow will be. As for today: I'm going to bed soon.