Happy Sunday everyone!

That’s right: I’m actually writing this on a Sunday again. Hoorah for me! (And for you, I suppose!)

Today I will write a quick thing about the Toronto Maple Leafs. Why not?

I won’t weigh in on players or the play itself, of course—not my brand. Instead, I want to talk about the strange experience of a fan who cares too much.

If you don’t know: The Leafs are currently on the brink of one of the most catastrophic collapses in recent history. They were up 3-1 in a best-of-7 series against a far inferior Montreal Canadiens team. The series is now tied and heading into a winner-take-all game 7. It should never have gotten this far.

And I have lost sleep thinking, “what did I do wrong to let it get to this point?”

Okay—I didn’t literally think, “what did I do wrong?” I am aware I am not on the team. But as I replay the events of the games in my head, it’s as if I’m haunted by the mistakes of others—as if they’re my own.

Funny enough: I recently had a massive gaff in my Fantasy Hockey playoffs and I got eliminated first round. That one was all my fault, yet this feels almost the exact same.

Sure, I can step back and say to myself: this is a game; you’re watching this for fun; you have no control of what happens in these games. But then I still somehow take the losses…personally. I may as well be on the team for how disappointed I feel.

It’s not just disappointment in other people—I don’t think I feel that way very often. I rarely think, “damn, they let me down.” Instead, I jump to my role in what went wrong. Maybe it was my own poor communication; maybe I provoked them; maybe I didn’t set a perfect enough example.

Is that some strange form of empathy? Not sure. But how often do we do things like that? How many burdens do we carry around that don’t belong on our shoulders? How many mistakes made my other people weigh us down?

Do we bear the weight of underperforming sports teams?

Do we bear the weight of confused colleagues or bad managers?

Do we bear the weight of a nation who lost the ear of millions of anti-vaxxers?

Do we bear the weight of a society that fails to feed its poorest citizens?

Do we bear the weight of a neighbouring country who elected orange egomaniac a few years ago?

How much do we let seep in? Not in a rational sense—I know if we all step back and actually look at a situation we can remove ourselves from it. But still—how much seeps in? How much do we unconsciously internalize as if it’s us who are fucking the world up? How much responsibility to we feel for things we had absolutely no hand in? How much sleep do we lose because of it?

I think this plays into a recent post I made. I can’t remember what is was about though…hold on…

No…the recent post was about changing your perception of things you “have to do,” and that wasn’t what I was thinking of…

Never-mind. I’ll just carry on.

Whether we articulate them or not: things get into our heads and they affect us. The guilt we feel about the mistakes others make will haunt us. The shame of blowing that series lead may actually mess with my self-esteem because even though, rationally, I know I’m not on the team, a part of me identifies with it; part of me shares the loss. It’s not just that they failed—we failed. Even though it doesn’t make sense, part of me believes that—which might be why it hurts so much.

And holy smokes there are a lot of L’s out in the world right now. We’re failing all over the place, and if we take each one a tiny bit personally—goddamn that’s a lot of negativity.

Quick angle-change: have you ever heard yourself—or someone else—say “wow, we suck,” in reference to humanity in general? Maybe it’s something to do with an endangered species or overconsumption or climate change—have you ever heard the blame spread out equally across the whole human race?

That’s what I’m talking about. A rhino nears extinction a continent away and we feel a touch responsible here in Toronto.

That—plus every other thing gone wrong in the world—is a lot to live with! We’re not built for that much guilt! We can’t deal with it! And I wonder if our only options when overwhelmed by responsibility is to a) feel like crap, or b) grow callous.

So what can we do? I think it’s as simple as going deeper when telling ourselves, it’s not our fault.

Think: Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting. Don’t just settle for the first head-nod. Repeat it. Take a deep breath. Repeat it again. It takes a bit of doing to actively let go. The rational, speaking mind will cover for deeper-held beliefs. Get underneath that first layer of dismissal.

It’s not your fault.

You have your own responsibilities.

You can’t control what everyone else does.

It’s not your fault.

Sometimes, other people are going to do fucked-up things.

It’s not your fault.

Your only job is to do your own best. Your job is not to make up for everyone else.

It’s not your fault.

You aren’t here to single-handedly save the world.

It’s not your fault.

—

Love you.
J