Week two! It's officially a tradition. I think I want to add a bit of structure to this week—do a bit of a recap on what the week was like for me and then explore something (not sure what I'll explore yet; got a couple things floating around).

This week started tough. I got a reminder from the CRA that I owe way more money than I presently have in cash. I wish I'd typed up how I felt on Tuesday so I could paste it here, but I'll do my best to capture it post-mortem-style.

It was like the walls were closing in, finally. I'd been doing my little thing and using little sticks and twigs to hold back real-world "enemies" (it felt like enemies) and then the weight of those obligations fiall.. FINALLY overwhelmed me. People were coming to get me and I wasn't going to be able to fend them off.

I had a good half-hour stretch where I thought, "I'm not cut out for this." As in: I can't survive the harsh reality of the dangerous world. (Not alone, at least.)

That led to some speculation about "are we ever meant to do things alone." I like to go back to what hunter/getherers were like to see how they'd react to these situations. A couple thousand years ago: if you tried to survive on your own, you died. If you didn't starve, animals might get ya. If animals didn't get ya, a neighboring tribe might. You have to be one helluva warrior to make it without some extra spears beside you.

So I thought: maybe we're not cut out for this entrepreneurial/artist life. Maybe it's so fundamentally unnatural that it just won't work.

Then I thought: it's not thousands of years ago. Times have changed. Being "alone" isn't quite the same as it used to be—because we're rarely truly alone in anything (even if we can't reach out and touch our brothers and sisters). THere's also wayyy less danger out in the world. What are the odds I actually starve to death. About zero? What are the odds I get mauled by a bear? About 0.0001%?

That's reality: but what happens is: (ew, double colon what am I doing)

What happens is: my brain doesn't always accept that times have changed. Sometimes I lose the plot and go back to the money-brain thinking and the fear overwhelms me. I forget that I'm fine—that I'm in fact very well suited to thrive in this world. All I think is: I'm alone, people are comiong to get me, I'm fucked.

I don't ever want to feel that way, but maybe I accept that it'll come and go in waves. That's the nature of a brain that hasn't fully caught up with the absolutely bonkers evolution of the world around us. It stutters, and I just have to ride out the panic. I wonder if I imagine the chemicals that flood through my brain as I start to panic, it'll help to calm down quicker. Like, "these thoughts are overwhelming and I can't think my way around them because a litteral wave of fear chemicals (glutemate, is that a thing?) is overwhelming my brain.

We'll see. The good news is: following that hour-or-so mini-breakdown came some renewed energy to get.shit.done. After that, it was actually a really great week.

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NOW! Adamsons BBQ. I wanted to not write about COVID stuff this week but—ce la vis. (That's not right.)

Ces la vie? C'est la vie. Got it. Rusty.

Here's what's tough about this: that guy (Adam isn't his name but he shall now be Adam) isn't wrong to be upset. If I had a brick-and-mortar business I'd be freaking out right now. If you told me that I had to pay alllll my financial responsibilities but not work, I'd very, very quickly consider a life of crime.

Fuck you: if you're not letting me EARN my living and feed my family and keep my business afloat, then I'll just go steal the money I need. Apparentlly the rules don't apply anymore anyway.

Now: the dude is wrong on so many levels and it's unfortunate that his business offers some of the most transmission-prone environments (spending extended periods of time inside with groups of people). Obviously he shouldn't pack his dining room with people—it's going to get people killed. That's how simple that is.

But there's still something really wrong here.

And we're yelling at each other over our rights to free our face from mask-tyranny and eat BBQ like the world wasn't ending.

Guys, we're on the same side.

No one wants small businesses to go out of business. Everyone's pissed at Costco and the government and the banks.

I don't get on board with many consipiracy theories—for the same reason I don't try many drugs or go skydiving. I think I'd like 'em too much.

And I don't know if I want to even call this a "conspiracy" per se: but we're fighting each other a whole hell of a lot right now, meanwhile banks are continuing to push millions of people further into debt, small businesses are closing, Amazon is growing out of control.

This economy we have set up needs a lower-class of worker. That's how it works. The rich sit on their riches and enjoy the labour of those who slave away to keep their heads above water. What's happening in this pandemic is: more and more people are getting locked into that lower class. They're losing the self-made jobs that gave them freedom and might have to turn to a bigger competitor with their hands out looking for scraps so they can keep food on the table. They're taking out loans to pay down other loans and keep the lights on, ensuring they're going to have to keep working overtime indefinitely just to pay back all the money they owe—forget saving and defffinitely forget taking any chances on a creative opportunity.

I'm not saying this pandemic is a hoax. I'm absolutely 100% not saying that AT ALL. But what happens whenever disasters occur, is people capitalize. Maybe no one is actively malicious or TRYING to capitalize. Maybe it's just inherent in the system.

But this is dark. This is really dark. And we're yelling at Adam who's just trying to stay afloat (and also make a name for himself and a bunch of other self-serving things). Meanwhile some bank is threatening to close down what might be an intergenerational business, force Adam into bankruptcy, and push him to work at the Montana's up the road.

Why aren't we yelling at the bank? Why aren't we yelling at the politician who's complicit? Adam's not the evil guy here. He's a victim too.

Okay that's enough ranting for a Sunday. And maybe I should take a break before reading my next anti-capitalism/anti-civilization book.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯