One of my first posts was about a god that I might hypothetically believe in. If I were to make one up, what would it be like? (This is the one.)

I wrote that more as a writing exercise than anything else.

It’s been three months since then and it isn’t as hypothetical for me anymore.

I now believe in a God (and I’m going with a capital ‘G’ this time).

For me, it started with a mental decision to use God as an excuse not to overthink my writing. I have plenty of voices in my head telling me that posting things like this is a terrible idea; that writing itself is futile; that this whole adventure will end in disaster. I didn’t like what they were saying, so I added a new voice, and called it god.

This new god-voice could go to war with my inner critic, my voice of reason. And god won that argument (most days).

god was a tool that helped me get over creative blocks and doubts and fears. I could ignore the critic because god told me to. I could be vulnerable because god said it’s OK. I could create anything I wanted because all this god cares about is novelty. He’s not concerned about quality—that’s for the critic. He wants the effort. He’s a creator he’s a creator himself, and he’s committed to a “throw-everything-up-and see-what-sticks” approach.

I used god like that for the first few months. It served me to believe in him, so I deliberately tried to. I told myself that the god-voice came from a different place. I kept choosing to trust that voice over the critic. And I found the more I chose it—the more faith I put in that voice—the better I felt about what I was doing. The other voices were losing their influence.

Then I started unloading shit I used to worry about on god. I passed off the stresses that would often paralyze me; questions like “where is this heading?”; concerns about what people would think. “god can worry about that.” I was freeing myself to think about the work.

And I was getting work done. Infinitely more than I had four months prior. But I was still just using this god-idea.

One day I asked myself (or maybe someone asked me), “What if you believe it literally—like, for real?”

And it was as if a switch flipped.

The question was asked, and I realized I already did.

I believed in God. For the first time in twenty years.

God is the intention to create.
God is the inspiration behind creativity.
God is the energy that creates.
God is the instruments that create.
God is the canvas creation exists on.
God is the art itself.

He’s the artist, the muse, the brush, the paint—he is creation.

I am God. And my job is to create.

I don’t believe that whole-heartedly all day, every day. In fact, I don’t believe it most of the time. I just keep telling myself it’s true and sometimes I do feel it.

Choosing to believe has swings.

Sometimes I feel like an idiot. Like I’m hiding behind a magic man who will not save me from the real-life, ten-tonne bus I’m walking in front of.

But sometimes God is undeniable. I understand his nature perfectly. It just makes sense. It can’t be argued with. He’s irrefutable.

Sometimes I really can surrender to the idea that I’m not at war with the world. Sometimes it feels like I’m really a part of—that I really belong in—this incredible, nonsensical four-dimensional work of God’s art we call the universe.

I’m working on finding more of those moments and lengthening & strengthening them when I’m in them.

And I legitimately am working. I try to see my surroundings as “God’s art.” I’m trying to see the god-voice in my head—and all of myself—as one of God’s instruments—as God himself. I’m trying to see everyone else as God. I’m trying to accept happy coincidences as gifts from God.

Choosing is work. It’s not easy. It’s not quick.

But it’s empowering. It’s calming and reassuring. It relieves stress and loneliness. It’s real.

One final note: the God I chose—that I continue to choose—was one I made for myself. I think that’s important. It’s easier to really believe in Him because I got to define him: his nature, his scope, his personality. This wouldn’t work for me if you asked me to believe in your God. So don’t just take mine. Find something that works for you.