Happy Easter, everyone!

I have no Easter-themed content to talk about this year. I don't really know what to talk about today, to be honest. Been a while since I really winged one of these.

Onwards!

OK first thing: I had a thought today—one that's fairly common for me, but I realized how strange it was for the first time today.

When considering the plans I had made, I thought, "oof, this day is really going to get away from me."

What?

Saying it seemed as natural and innocent as "time flies when you're having fun," or, "this day can't end quick enough." And then I thought about it for a second, and I got confused.

What was I talking about?

In saying, "the day will get away from me," I meant there are things I must do, but because of the plans I made, I don't know if I'll have the time to do them.

But it's a weird way of saying it, and it implies a lot.

Foremost: it implies the things that "pull the day away from me" are in some way frivelous or inconsequential. (That's a big word for a no-delete blog.) "Waste" is a little too strong a word; maybe it's better to say, "they don't count."

Towards what?

Ahh: towards productivity.

There it is.

I've created tiers around experiences & activites. There's "productive time" and then there's "wasted time." (I know I said, "waste" was the wrong word but hey: let's get hyperbolic.)

That's a dangerous way to live, with that thought in the back of your head. It might not always be at the forefront of my thinking, but it's likely always there in the background. When I got to meet a friend and walk Arche, a teeny voice somewhere in the back of my head is mumbling under its breath, "this isn't productiiive."

A) That ought to make me less fun to be around

B) That must add a bunch of stress and guilt to my life

And here's another thing: what was I referring to when talking of "things I need to do?" I didn't have anything specific in mind! These pages are my only MUST do for the day. Sure, I've a list of twenty other things I COULD do, but I wasn't necessarily talking about them.

I was thinking of, "putting in work," in general, and that never ends, now does it?

All I said was, "this day will get away from me," and I stuck myself with a measure of guilt that'd last all day and ensured none of my plans would get my full attention (as I kept one eye on the things I wasn't doing).

Big sigh.

I took a break from writing these to do those things I thought would steal my day. I'm going to give myself some credit: I wasn't thinking much about what I was "neglecting."

Sometimes when you acknowldge a silly and irrational thought, you can get around it. Not always—but today I think I did.

Also in the break: I watched a short video about how much "life" you have to live if you don't enjoy what you do for work.

TL;DR: it's not a lot of time.

I've always wanted to lean into the "don't work for the weekend" mentaility. Granted: I haven't worked an office job in...four years now (?), but I still haven't shed the old thinking. Sometimes I think I should go back to my old agency life just to get rid of the guilt of not grinding hard enough.

Watching that video, I got a momentary refresh on the "live for now" attitude. By the time I got back to my computer, found some music to play, and re-opened this document, that attitude already faded a bit.

But what didn't fade is the desire to pursue it.

I wrote last week about belief and the stories we hold to be true. Changing a story isn't a free or easy thing—just because I WANT to live guilt-free and embrace the limitless choices presented every day, doesn't mean I can at the drop of the hat.

But wanting to change a story is the first step to changing it. The only other step is repeating it as often as possible.

You know, I remember talking to a loved one a couple months ago about a similar thing. The lesson they were trying to impart on me was, essentially, to think less; spend less time worrying about if I'm doing enough, if what I'm doing is right, if I myself am good enough.

(I'm not nailing the phrasing—so if you're reading this, kindly remind me of the message. I think the comments below are anonymous if you're open to adding it here.)

...Where was I? Sorry; I was sitting in the sun for a while this afternoon. (Yay.)

Right. As evidenced through that one line I said today and the guilt I feel about the grind: I have placed productive work on a pedestal. Right now, I see it as the single most important thing. It's more important than time spent with friends and faimly. It's more important than time outside with Arche. It's more important than enjoying life.

As long as there is work to be done, everything else is a distraction—dangerously close to wasted time.

I gotta fix that. This is me declaring I'm taking the change in narrative very seriously.

As a parting thought: I still have goals; achieving them still requires work. I know this. What I'm hoping, with this new story, is my perception of that work changes—maybe hard word doesn't have to be so hard.

Maybe it's all play.

...I definitely wrote about this months ago and then forgot everything.

...Pretty sure I also made a post about the universe throwing the same lessons at us over and over and over until we get it.

Cheers.