I was going to write a diatribe about the province of Ontario's mismanagement of COVID today. I decided against it.

The thing that I realized is: I have no idea what's going on anymore. We're well past the point of me confidently repeating the info provided by more-qualified people.

I think small businesses should open and more support should be provided to essential workers—especially those living in hard-hit areas—but I don't really know what's going to work anymore. I want my friends to go back to work in salons and gyms—but I don't actually know if that's safe.

So, this is more about me than it is policy.

I'm confused and I'm overwhelmed.

I usually deal with that by simply choosing a story to believe and letting my confirmation bias take care of the rest.

I caught myself doing that earlier in the week, when I was gearing up to go on my rant. I was full of frustration at Doug Ford and his out-of-touch office who had "long since abandoned the science" in their policy changes. I was fully ready to just hold them accountable for this ongoing mess—and in doing so absolve myself of any more responsibility.

My first thought was to say, "they botched this; open 'er up; the fallout is on them." A little extreme, perhaps, but I was rationalizing it as best I could. "They lost the faith of their citizens; their policies won't work anymore anyway; we missed the windows to do things right; they're focusing on the wrong problems so I needn't buy into their solutions." Then: even if the third wave crashes harder than the first two, we can just blame Ford's previous errors for putting us in this position.

My second thought was to just surrender—throw up my hands and quit trying to make the most of life during lockdown. I'd tried to be productive and stay active and protect my mental and physical health. But I'm tired, and if these measures are just going to keep going with no effect, maybe I just throw in the towel and lean into "survival mode." Maybe I just play video games and watch Netflix until I get vaccinated. Maybe I just slip into apathy, bad habits, and a mild depression—then blame Ford for "putting me in this position."

I think I could have rolled with either story—at least a mild version of each. Even after recognizing they might not be totally true or fair, you'd be surprised how willing I might still be to stick with them.

As it is: I don't even know where I'll land going forward. I expect I'm going to bounce between stories throughout the day. I'll see a social post railing against stay-at-home orders and decide we should get back to our lives. Then I'll see the ICU numbers and decide we should just order in food and live online for another month.

I think I empathize more with the deniers than I did a year ago. When overwhelmed and scared, we all feel the need to just pick a story and be done with it. As if remaining confused exhausts too much mental energy; we pick a story out of survival so we can preserve energy (and maybe sanity) and get on with the rest of our lives.

I held out for a long time because I was able to follow the science being presented and remained comfortable in "we don't know everything but here's our best guess." Recently: either the story got more complicated or I got too lazy to keep up and now, overhwhelmed, I have to simplify—in a similar way to all the conspiracy theorists out there.

Maybe I enter a new phase now though—where I don't know what's going on, and I don't overthink it. I wonder if I can do that. Can I just...let go? Can I stay relatively uninformed and just follow the lead of those I trust?

Maybe. Ain't that a hard thing nowadays though—to keep from being consumed by something everyone else is getting worked up over? Social media does not help...

Hmm.

I think I'll just try my best to live my life—without getting anyone's grandparents killed for the time being.

But also: open small businesses and let my friends go to work if the science says it's safe.

Now, if anyone has made it this far, here's a little...poem? Is it a poem? I don't know. You tell me:

Wishing Well

Cast your quarter down the well and make your wish for a grand tomorrow.
I'll be right beside you with my fingers crossed.
May all the luck in the world befall you; may all your dreams come true.

Hear the soft splash of two-ounce copper and watch the future unravel.
My smile shall match yours as we picture the joys ahead;
As we eagerly await the better days now under divine protection.

Do you believe in the power of the fountain?
You must believe for the magic to hold.
I believe, but it isn't enough for two.

God willing: my faith is contagious.
My trust in the quarter catches to strengthen your own.

Take my hand and make your wish.
We'll set out together to seize the gifts the world may offer.
Join me now, and let's dance our way up towards heaven.