Happy Sunday, everyone!

What are we talking about today? Ahh., got it.

How many of those, "you have to love yourself before seeking love from someone else," quotes have you seen? Seems like it's a dramatically overused piece of advice, to me. I don't think it's terrible advice. I do think it's...dangerous. It's a double-edged sword: great when applied in certain circumstances; an excuse to avoid a giant part of life when used in the wrong ones.

Here's my experience:

Three years ago (I think it was three...) I was seeing someone. It was a good relationship...really, nothing wrong. The kind of fit you hope to find. But I wasn't ready.

This was when the advice applied.

I struggled with self-worth issues then. (They still come and go now, but they were worse then.) I was nearing my late twenties and I felt in a rut. I didn't know what I was doing with my life; I didn't know if I offered any value to the world; I didn't think I deserved love, I suppose. I had some things to figure out. I needed to be happier with who I was and what I was doing before I could turn to someone else to fill the holes I felt.

So we broke it off. I heeded the advice. I realized I wasn't in a place to see someone. There were things I needed to do for myself first.

I was fortunate for that, I think. I could have ignored the issues lingering in the back of my head, and sought affirmation from outside sources. I could have relied on my partner to build me up. But that would have ended terribly. Or worse—not ended and I'd be stuck in that rut, chasing ways to compensate for how I felt about myself.

So...good advice. I took a lot of time for myself after that. I sought some therapy. I tried some mindfulness practices. I cleaned up some of my addictions (indulgences?).

And I finally started writing. I started to carry myself a little differently. I started to play with philosophies. I started to find some purpose.

I feel better than I did three years ago. I'm less self-concious about the value I offer the world. I'm less doubtful about my worth.

But there's still a question: "do I love myself enough to try again?"

Now, on good days, I say yes. But my brain's kinda broken sometimes, and I think of all the things that would make me love myself more. So, sometimes I conflate being happy with who I am with being satisfied with where I am.

The advice morphs into, "you have to become accomplished (meaning wealthier, healthier, more productive, more mindful) before you can start dating again." In other words: be the best you can possibly be, before you get tangled up with others.

Well...that's not possible. I'm always going to be growing, right? So then I think I have to set an arbitrary bar for how successful (at all the aforementioned things) I must be before I'm good enough.

Except I have perfectionist tendencies. I'm also forgetful. So that bar always moves and I end up on a self-improvement treadmill where I'll never have enough reason to love myself—therefore I'll never be in a place to accept love from elsewhere.

The second side of that sword is sharp, eh?

Okay, deep breath.

Cut that conflation between who you are and what you've done. Whoever says, "you have to love yourself before seeking love from someone else," never meant it to be taken as, "achieve everything then date."

Be happy with who you are—how honest you're able to be, the risks you're open to, the things you believe and value, the things you feel capable of. Get to love the person you're able to show up as. Get past the desire to pretend to be someone else. Push through the fear of not being enough.

Don't worry about the bank account or the job title or the accolades or the chapters in your life's story. Those aren't what anyone means when they talk about "loving yourself."

Was that whole shpeal (how the hell do you spell that...shpiel? Not even close, I bet)--was it just for me? Maybe. I don't know how many people have felt the same. Seems like most people understand the idea that you can grow with a partner.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles with self-worth though. I'm not the only one who wants to "be better" without a clear understanding of what that means. I'm not the only one who's consistently "not quite enough."

Aand another deep breath. We're good. We got this. Good days and bad days—both come and go. But we're here. We're alive and unique and every breathe and every thought—even those nasty self-destructive ones—are friggin' incredible. Even though some things are a struggle, the opportunity to face that struggle is insane. It's tough to say the doubt and fear and insecurities are gifts—but they all are. They help shape this one-of-a-kind experience. To me, that novelty is more important than anything else.

Aaaand scene.

Love ya!
J

(Ps: it’s just “spiel.” Guess I was close.)