Oof this is a late one today! But, I made a promise (to myself) to try getting this in before Monday so here I am.

I guess it's not even very later—10:00pm PST. But I've tried to set up a new habit of waking up at 6:00am so this is going to be a tough one.

Why 6am when I'm only accountable to myself and set my own hours? Well, it's a new thing. I haven't been doing enough, and the easiest remedy for that, it seems to me, is to wake up earlier.

I struggle with the whole "doing enough" thing. I've talked about it before, but it came up again last week so I guess I'll talk about it again. It's so strange seeing half my Instagram feed saying, "your worth is not measured by your productivity," and the other half saying things like "work harder than everyone else." (OK, it's not 50-50...I don't follow many rah-rah burn-the-midnight-oil accounts.) But the advice is split there.

One is meant for artists; the other for entrepreneurs. I don't know what I am. What advice applies to me?

It's a little column A; little column B, I guess. But here's the situation I'm in: I'm in Vancouver right now; I want to be going up to Whistler every weekend; I want to start looking at apartments (out of curiosity); hell—I want to get the clutch replaced in my car. But that's a lot of money to be throwing around and I just don't have it at the moment.

So, I have to work harder. That's the simple math of it. Put more time in, earn more money.

But then there's still the "be patient with yourself" aspect.

You know what—no. There's no "but" to the first part. It is what it is. If these things that require money are a priority—a pressing concern—then immediate money-making work is what's required.

So the real question—that I haven't really gotten clear on—is: what are my priorities? I suppose I've been avoiding it and holding onto an idea that I can kinda do everything.

But I haven't the time for everything.

I can't secure immediate business,

While fleshing out the bigger idea behind my business,

And working on recurring instagram content,

And finish this novella I'm working on,

And be a great dad to Arche,

And stay in top shape,

And keep up with my friends back home over video games,

And meet new people here in Van,

And take breaks to watch Leaf games and Marvel movies.

Or, I at least can't be in a hurry to do all those things. That's just not how time works. Those things—if all are considered #1 priorities—add up to 40 hours in a day.

Now here's another fun twist: I was about to decide a bit more patience is required—becuase I don't really want to give up on any of those things. (Yes, I can shift priorities so writing and business get higher bill than The Leafs (sorry Leafs).)

BUT, know what that opens the door for? Fear. The part of me that's afraid to fail now gets to use the "patience" angle to encourage procrastination. I'm afraid of getting "no's" from potential clients so I'll "be patient" with the immediate growth of the business and work on something else instead. I'm afraid the chapter I'm writing blows so I'll "be patient" with the completion of the story (waiting for better ideas to come) and work on simple client requests instead.

Ahh the joys of self-reflection.

Today's advice: don't think about your own thinking as much as I do.

ALTHOUGH: that does bring me to something I've been meaning to write about. (Yes, I'm completely bailing on my self-reflection now. For a touch of a resolution: I'm going to spend some time getting real clear on priorities and specifically WHEN I would like certain things to happen.)

NOW, there's a point to all the self-reflection.

I've been listening to David Goggins' book Can't Hurt Me recently. I'm not far in, but before reading it, I already knew David was an "I don't care how hard it is, do it anyway!" kind of motivator.

I've also seen things about how willpower is like a battery inside us—sometimes we just don't have enough juice to do the hard thing. I guess David would still say, "fuck that, do it anyway," but this is where the reflection comes in.

Why does that work for him and not for everyone? If it were that simple, why is anyone in the world living a life short of their dream? Why don't people do hard things? Why can't we make hard choices? We want the rewards of those hard paths, don't we? So what's the problem?

It's not just an unqillingness to do work. If you asked someone, I will trade you 1 million dollars for X amount of hard work, and the math worked out, we'd all say yes. We don't just SAY the reward is worth it—we do believe it. Buuuut then what? Something happens.

It's not that simple. It's not just a matter of "wanting something bad enough" or being "willing to work hard." Our brains of weird as fuck. All these other things come into play: fears are a huge one—short-sightnedness another (I think we're capable of literally forgetting what all the hard work is for when it comes time to decide how to spend our time).

Formal theories on the matter are forthcoming. I'd actually like to take this exploration seriously. I'd like to talk to some brain-experts and see if there's mroe to be learned there. I'd like to reflect on my own issues some more as well.

And that's the point of the self-reflection. To figure out WHY things aren't working. Why is it hard to take risks, for example? Logically, I believe risks NOT taken end up causing more pain in the end. And then it comes time to take a risk aaaand I make excuses. Why? What bullshit wiring in my brain is interfering with the logical parts?

I'll keep poking at the inside of my head, making my notes, and I'll let you know when I know.

Until then, Happy Sunday.

Love each and every one of you,